My experience 

Depression. I’m sure everyone has heard of this before. But not a lot of people actually understand what it is. A lot of people when they here this word associate it with things like “feeling sad, laziness, loneliness” and they will tell you to “grow up” or ” just stop it” and even occasionally “just ignore it”. Now I can’t help but feel this naive attitude towards a thing such as depression comes from people who are ill educated through no fault of their own. So im about to explain it to you. From my perspective. Way back when I was an aggressive depressive.

So. My depression went a little like this. I constantly felt worthless. Like I didn’t actually have a life purpose and I wasn’t worth anything. I felt as though I was a ghost wandering the earth without any clear sense of direction. I couldn’t gain a sense of direction to follow because where ever I looked and who ever I looked too didn’t understand. I was told the phrases which everyone says. According to most people I was  ” just a little sad. But other than that there was nothing wrong”. But how did they know? Well to tell the truth they didn’t know how I felt. I was under the impression nobody did. So I felt alone. My only friend was the other half of me that sat inside my mind and told me that ” nobody loves me” ” if you vanished nobody would even notice” and that the solution was his trusty friend “the erazor blade”. I became so isolated thanks to the demons I was constantly facing that I went to seek help. Because I couldn’t take it anymore.  But even the professionals couldn’t help me. They diagnosed me and because of the symptom list they read out to me all I could think about was my problems. I began to suffer even worse because I thought I was the problem. Now they where only doing their job don’t get me wrong.  But the selfish entity overpowering my mind was also doing a job.

I felt a vast emptiness inside me. Nobody could fill this. It was like trying to full up a water bottle with no bottom to it. It was impossible. Now occasionally there would be a drip down the side of my “empty bottle” which would stick to the side for a while before falling through the bottom to escape. I always thought they would be better off without me anyway. I was helpless to feel anything other than numb All because him in my head told me to block out the pain I felt. It was his way of keeping in control of me. But I thought he was helping at the time. It made me feel nothing so I couldn’t be hurt like I was before I met him.

I’d spend all of my time doing nothing. I’d just allow it because I didn’t have the strength to fight back against the war in my head. 

Now this doesn’t even begin to scratch the surface of everything. I’d be sat here for days if I where to explain everything. But you see. Depression is more than anyone knows. I believe it is different for all of us in how it affects us. But for anyone fighting out there. Keep it up my friend! You are doing better than you will ever know. Don’t get trapped in his Web!  Learn from my mistakes! You can do this!

-jack

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