My personal story (day 2 of my daily blogging)

A brief summary of me. 


Hi, my name is jack and life hasn’t always been as glorious for me as it is now. I’m 20 and I’m from England. My ultimate ambition is to get my voice heard, Be known. Now i know that everyone would love to be an “a list celeb” But that is not what i mean. What i mean  is i want people to have a place to come where they can be themselves. I want people to realize that looking different does not matter! It is an attribute we all have, to be different is a wonderful thing! and yet so many are picked on or bullied for it. Which to me is completely wrong. I love being different and i proud. I suppose to sum it up id like to be a pioneer of real acceptance in the world on all levels. To help people just be themselves and overcome what problems they feel they have. I know that is a very big ask, But i have got a very big driving force behind me. One which i can not and never will be able to let go of. Now, some of you may be sat there wondering” why would you want to do that, it is impossible to change the world in such a  big way” and you may be right, but i am never going to stop until i have done as much as physically possible, Then my mind will take over. The body has limits, the mind is limitless. so here is my story, and here is why I want this so badly…

CHILDHOOD

I was born with a condition which affects my skin called congenital melanocytic nevus. This is present at birth or sometimes can form over a short period of time after birth. it comes in 3 main categories which are :

SMALL

LARGE
GIANT

I was born with the giant kind. The rarest kind. For 2 weeks after birth I had  to have plastic surgery to remove a huge mole which completely devoured my back.A lot of skin was removed from my back in the process and now i have roughly 40% thinner skin there than the average person. over my childhood id have to have several operations to remove a tumor on my back. one which wont leave. Throughout my childhood as i was growing my condition was always present. But  because i was getting bigger it looked bigger. It grows with me.The children around me at school,clubs and even when i was at home began to notice and they called me some of the most ridiculous names like spotty and moley, heck i was even called the dalmatian once or twice but even though i wonder now why they got to me so badly as a child i just didn’t understand why people were saying such horrid things to me. I felt like I was the outcast. I began to feel alone even though i did have several very good friends who accepted me for me. But the majority of the time, i was an infant who felt less like a person and more like an alien. I didn’t know how to live like a child so My parents decided to get me into a support group for people across Britain with my condition.To boost my self esteem, To make me realize there is nothing wrong with me. we would have meetings only once a year and events every few months.It became my safe haven.The only place i truly felt normal. By the age of 7 i was getting quite severely bullied still i had all sorts of things said and done to me. I couldn’t step out of my house to ‘play out’ as we called it as kids because of this fear of my bullies .Petrified of them i used to just sit in my house and slowly began to sink into this oblivion we know as depression. It festered inside my mind like a parasite. Draining every child like aspect of me away without the dignity of ever replacing them.I became a vacuum, completely empty without a hope in the world, all of my childish dreams gone, my feelings empty, my emotions nullified. The only present aspect of me that remained was this fake smile i adopted to “show people i was OK” .


late 10’s to mid teens

My years as a teenager. The years you are meant to love because your’e always told “they are the best years” haha what a load of lies. well for me anyway. it began when i was roughly 10, i got news that would strike a dagger straight through my heart. my mum had cancer. Now i knew she was a fighter but sometimes there are battle even the toughest warrior ant win. This was one. she died when i was 13, years of looking after her and helping her as much as i could with yet another hope of mine dashed. Why did this happen to me? have i not had enough was my instant thought.my childhood was never lived to its full potential and now this.I began to deteriorate.I became the detached. but who was there for me? who could hold me when i needed it and wipe my tears away that suffocated my eyes. There it was again, the oblivion i was still facing staring me in the face, inviting me in even deeper with that sadistic, demonic glimpse of hope that it would soon drain from me again. sinking further and further into its arms i began to feel encased in its deceit. Then one day it told me the solution, Self harm i began to do this quite severely and a voice in my head appeared telling me “it is ok, everything will be ok, your emotion will bleed out of you and you will feel relief”. I couldn’t tell my dad, brother or sister, i was so scared of telling them, so i allowed it. What a huge mistake.My last two years of high school i became so bad i barely attended, “what if people knew, what if people saw” got its grips on me, the paranoia deterred me.id had everything; counselling, tablets you name it and i have more than likely tried it. but i was so shattered nothing could shake this from me, it was a part of me. my darkest sin was my brightest light until my later years.


RECENTLY

this reign of terror lasted until i was roughly 17/18 and i found meditation, this made me finally see a light. beaming through a crack in the wall of the darkness within. things were finally looking up, i could smile again, i could breath without feeling suffocated and today, lets just say now at 20 i’m fully recovered, happy and things are finally going right for me(apart from i’m job less haha, but maybe i’m on the path to where i’m meant to go, so i’m jobless so i can put 100% effort in. who knows? and only time will tell). Never forget though guys! Depression goes one of two ways, it can make you or it can break you, and i realized every storm subsides. But its not about waiting for it to subside, that was my error. its learning how to dance in the rain. 

Why am i sharing this?

I am sharing this because i want people to know dark time come to an end. I am a firm believer in “the darkest nights produce the brightest lights”. I am sharing this to show that no matter what you are stronger than you know, and that you should never give up. I am sharing this to make people realize hope is never gone, It is just lost and it can be hard but you will find it in the place you least expect once again. I am sharing this to show the people with mental health issues they are never alone, there is always someone who understands, whether its me or not only you know. I am sharing this to raise that sort of awareness for the people who have mental health problems and possibly to educate the people who do not understand them. Now this was a brief story of my child hood, this is the darker bits of my childhood. I did have some pretty good times as well don’t get me wrong. But, if i where to share my life story it would probably be as long as a biography And lets face facts, who’s got the time to read one of those. There has been a lot that has happened. It has made me who i am , and in some sort of very weird way i’m glad i went through everything i have.

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